Just Being Real

Dating. 

It's a bittersweet topic for many singles, and its connotation is often taken from their current relationship status.

While there is no shortage of Christian books about dating and relationships, not much is explicitly said in the Bible about how Christians should approach the subject. 

One thing is for sure, 2 Corinthians 6:14 does clearly say, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" The short of it: believers should date other believers.

This concept was drilled into my brain when I was growing up. If they aren't Christians, I don't date them. It's basically the first filter on "the list."

Even so, some have still slipped through the cracks. My standards were not upheld with perfection (ha! no surprise there). 

My religious convictions and my relationship with Jesus run so deep that I know I wouldn't actually be happy marrying/spending the rest of my life with someone who doesn't feel the same way. I want that to be a point of unity and growth, not dissension.

Then comes the question, "So why do you let it happen?" ("it" being a relationship between a believer and unbeliever.)

Great question. I will answer from my perspective, observations, and experiences as to why girls (and guys) put themselves in said situations. Feel free to disagree with me. So here goes nothing:

1. She (or he) simply does not hold to the convictions that Christians should not be "unequally yoked." 

     [Eh, this isn't me because I do agree that it is a biblical concept that should be upheld, but let's be real-some people just aren't worried about it.]

2. All the good, Christian guys are taken.

    [I must admit, this often feels true. While I know it is not, that feeling can often lead to compromise.]

3. If there are any single, Christian guys out there, they aren't interested in dating. Or rather, some of them are too scared to ask a girl on a date. 

     [Being in a seminary context, I cannot affirm how true this is. Dude, if you don't want to date me (or just in general), that's totally fine...just don't act like it you do if that's the case. Boundaries...they're good for everyone.

     Or on the flip side, if you do want to date me, just ask me out on a date. I promise that I won't take it as a proposal for marriage. It's. Just. Coffee.] 

   *Important note to all of my Christian girls out there: give them a chance. If we keep saying, "Nooooo one will ask me on a date!" but don't give a shot to the guys who work up the courage to do so, then we living by a double standard. And that's no fair to our brothers in Christ.

4. Attention is nice, and he's not a bad guy. 

     [It would be foolish to assert that we shouldn't date non-Christians because they are bad people. We are all fallen, depraved humans without Christ, but there are plenty of people out there that are thoughtful, kind, and intentional that do not know the Lord as their Savior. As a girl who wants to feel wanted, "sweet attention" from a guy (Christian or not) is usually welcomed, especially if ^^#3^^ is holding true.

     This seems to be one of the most popular reasons why girls may compromise in this area. After all, he's really nice and funny and sweet. It always harmless at first, and it only gets harder as our hearts get more involved.]

5. They make me feel valuable.

     [This one plays off of #4 but takes it in a slightly different direction. I had a friend tell me, "I think that Christian guys held me up to these unrealistic standards, so it was so refreshing for me to feel good enough." Shoot. Unfortunately the body of Christ can work itself into these situations when we impose unrealistic standards on each other, guys and girls alike.]

6. The situation is simply 50 shade of grey.

    [Ok, maybe that's not the best analogy, but I feel like it's true. Sometimes there are really awesome guys who are just trying to figure things out. We all have our moments of weakness and doubt, and sometimes people walk into our lives when they're in the middle of figuring everything out. I'm not a proponent of missionary dating, but some people just need a strong example of a believer in their lives. Like a said, lots of grey. (This is where you have to use godly discretion and council.)]

Another problem with Christian culture is that everyone expects you to always have your crap together, which just isn't realistic. "Jane, did you hear that Suzy is dating a nonbeliever?!" *GASP* Say it isn't so! 

So maybe you're the person struggling with entertaining a flirty texting relationship or an actual, full-blown relationship with a non-Christian. I would like to encourage you that #1 hold onto the truth that the Bible calls us to, but also #2 you are not alone. You are not a monster. If you feel like you are too emotionally invested in your boyfriend or girlfriend to back out now, seek out godly counsel. There is not a cookie cutter answer for how to proceed in every situation. 

If you're the one standing on the outside watching your friends or family members date non-Christians and you're seeing the hurt that it is ultimately causing, continue to show grace. Save the harsh words; nobody needs a vicious Bible-thumper when it comes to matters of the heart. You do not have to condone their relationship, just don't start condemning them for it. Prayerfully consider how you should approach your friend, encourage them in truth, and mostly, just be there for them. They probably know the right answer; they just need a chance to get there.