In Christ Alone

I've tried to deny it to myself in hopes that it'll make it hurt less, but the fact still remains-I loved him. No, I wasn't head-over-heels in love with him, but I cared for him deeply. I still do. 

My heart can be so overwhelmed with emotions that all I can do is run to my Savior and weep and let Him hold me. 

Anger. Brokenness. Love. Hurt. Disappointment. Longing. Confusion. Bitterness. Hope. A desire to see him grow into the man of God You created him to be. 

All of those emotions are just in regards to my ex-that doesn't even include the rest of my life.

In times like this, the Lord uses things like the song In Christ Alone. It has sort of become the theme song of my life right now. It literally comes on my Pandora all of the time and always right when I need it the most.

Different parts of the song speak to my heart at different times, but one of my favorites says:

And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine

Unfortunately, we are human and, therefore, fallible. But to imagine that one day we will be free from the grip of sin....oh! how glorious that will be! In the meantime, "let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us" (Hebrews 12:1).

My heart may be weary, but my Savior is constantly sustaining me. 

Humility and Homesickness

Humility. It really sucks to humble yourself, but it's so necessarily to trust God and have a chance at surviving this thing we call life.

That's the tough lesson I'm learning with my "real-world" job. 

Fortunately, I have a group of friends that are all going through the same exact thing, and it doesn't matter where we work: a seminary, school, hospital, warehouse, marketing firm, ear specialist. We're all having to swallow our pride and say, "Can you help me with this?" or "How does that work again?"

Maybe it's the fact that I'm the firstborn, I like to be independent (except for when I need some gas money from my dad ;] ), or that I just like figure things out on my own, but whatever it is, it's humbling me. To be so overwhelmed with information of how a company works and how they do things. To remember how to do something only to forget three days later. To feel like a constant nag asking for help.

Obviously (and hopefully) that's not how it's perceived, but it takes a while to get over that. The Lord is showing me that it's ok to ask for help, and that it's ok to not have all of the answers. 

Eeek. So there's that. 

Also, Mr. Greg brought me into the kitchen and showed me a cookbook that my family had given Sara Beth for her high school graduation. He said, "If you're ever getting homesick, you can just come look at your mama's handwriting (because she had written a note to Sara in the front)." I had a moment where my eyes welled up, and I missed my mama. 

I'm great at expressing to my friends how much I love them, but my family is a different subject. Why? I don't know. Because I love them dearly-I'm just not always the best at showing that. 

So Mama, I love you and miss you. Actually, I love and miss my whole family.

And for those of you who know me well, it takes a lot for me genuinely feel homesick. It probably only happened a couple of times at college. But that was because I was only an hour away from home. I could go home for dinner one night and be back for class the next morning. I use to tell my parents, "I'm never gone away long enough for me to miss you."

But now I do. I miss them. And I'm thankful for phone calls and text messages and FaceTime that helps make that distance feel a little smaller. Thank you, technology.

May my words fall to the ground

Words can be a powerful tool. That's why some people are able to make a living as motivational speakers. But what happens when words get abused? 

They lose their value. 

This is part of the reason why my heart has been broken and battered over the last 5 years. Fortunately, the Lord has guarded my heart in more ways than I have ever deserved, but I certainly have not left the dating arena unscathed. Because of my desire to be wanted and accepted by the opposite sex, I clung on to the enticing and promising words that were whispered in my ear.

How often do we do this our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? How often do we praise him with our lips but not our actions? If an outside were to look at our lives on mute, would our actions match up with the lip service we so easily lay at the altar of our Lord?

1 John 3:18 says, "Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth." Essentially, our actions speech louder than our words (sound familiar?). 

There's a reason why Jesus became a man to die on the cross for us and raise from the dead three days later...He was backing His love up with action. 

Certain boys have made me weary of trusting what comes from from guys' mouths because their actions did not back up their words. 

Along the same lines, I do not want to be the type of Christian whose words and actions do not line up, thus hindering a brother or sister in Christ from growing or a non-Christian from coming to know the Lord.


I do not write this because I have perfected this area of my walk with Christ. Rather, I write this as an accountability to myself as well as my fellow brothers and sisters.

The Lone Star State

And so it begins. I am officially living and working in Dallas, Texas. Honestly, it doesn't feel real. It feels like I am just in town visiting, like I have done so many times before. But it is....I'm here, and I'm having to trust the Lord is ways I've never had to before. 

I love <<<<this picture because it so adequately demonstrates where I am in my life right now...by myself. It's me and the Lord. And I find it fitting that I have moved to the Lone Star state.

Now don't get me wrong-the Lord has surrounded me with people that have come alongside me and have joined me in this journey. The Hattebergs have graciously taken me into their home. The Kannes have adopted me as one of their own. Jill and Daniel and Lauren and Sara and Drew and Michael and Erin and Rosalee and Ryan have all helped make my move a little easier. 

So no, I'm not completely alone, but there are parts of this journey that I must venture into alone. When I feel homesick, miss the community I had at Shorter, or long to be in the presence of my family, my Texan friends cannot completely relate to that. They realize that while I am ecstatic to be with them again, my move is not going to be free of heartache, and I appreciate that. 

My last chapter ended with many tears and hugs and "See you laters." Now I am looking forward to all of the adventures and spiritual growth that is sure to come. Let this new chapter begin!